hiraeth

i loved you in the worst way
.
the way that wrote your elegy
as i looked across a table
and saw,
at once,
why everybody wanted you
and
the size of the space
you'd leave.
.
because of course you'd leave.
.
your beautiful bodies
so sanguine
your belltower laughs, clanging, unignorable
the din of your belief;
the sometimes-slurring sermon of the fucking faithful.
i bit my nails for you.
.
god, i wanted you to stay.
.

your faces perch on my shoulder,
one after another.
i can feel your smiles.
and your party looks bigger than my party
from here,
howling like happy wolves
and pushing each other into the Styx.
.
but i am not there.
.
so i scan this pumping purgatory
for a secret wave-goodbye
.
and try to place my cheek against that chest
before the earth does.